Here's the Deal

If you know me at all, you probably know that I'm very much a "go getter", a leader, someone who's not afraid to put themselves out there and hope for the best. I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see most of the time. This leaves me very vulnerable, I'm usually completely alright with this. I'm not afraid to get hurt, it has happened so many times in the past I have come to accept it as something unavoidable.

But right now...

I'm scared to tell you how I feel. (It's pretty darn obvious and 'you' have probably already figured out who you are...but I don't know.)
For once, I'm scared...scared to:
leap
jump
fall.

I feel like this means something-
Am I afraid because this could be the real deal?
Am I nervous because our friendship could be at stake?
Am I worried that you'll not return the same affections?

Yes.

Well, here goes nothing...

Loss

I don't want to lose you.

I think I'm too late.

But I hope I'm not.

I realize what (who) I let pass me by, forgive me?

I'm sorry.

Please, tell me I'm not too late.

More than Once

I was in love once.
It was beautiful.
We were inseparable.
Some stuff happened, and we grew apart.

I was made of sunshine once.
Smiles and giggles all the time.
Nothing could bring me down.
Some stuff happened, and I grew up.

I want to feel that way more than once.
I want to be in love again.
I want to be made of sunshine again.
But only once more, the next one will be the last one.
THE one.
Some stuff will happen, and we will grow old.
Together.

I won't settle. But I'm impatient.

Change of Heart

Alright, I'm giving in.
As much as I resist change most of the time, I'm going to embrace some changes now.
I have decided to change my major. I haven't enjoyed a single class I've taken for my current area of study (biology), but I have loved some of my other courses so I know it's possible to enjoy college classes. As of next semester, I will be beginning classes for a degree in history eduction with special endorsements in psychology and American government.

Other changes, I may have made a mistake and I realize that now.
I don't know how you feel anymore, but I understand if your feelings have changed.
I overlooked you for too long, I know that now.
I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

Decisions, Decisions

So here's the deal:
I don't know anymore.
I have always been so decisive and sure of everything. I thought I had it all planned out, I was going to get my BA in biology, then MAT in education, go into the Peace Corps, come home and get married and settled in my career, have about 5 kids and call it good. This has been a struggle for me this year and I don't know why. Maybe it's God's way of saying, "I'm in control, not you." Thanks, God. But it's been weighing on my heart a lot lately and I need some clarity.

Things I'm unsure about:
My major- I don't like (maybe even hate) my science classes this semester...but what else would I do?
My church- ELCA? yeah....that's all. (really, I'm just that confused)
My relationships- I feel alone, all the time. My best friend is gone, the others have their own relationships...and we are all so busy with classes/work/other things we're losing touch.

Things I think I'm sure about:
I want to stay at ISU.
I want to be a teacher.
I want a family.

Stay tuned next time for "Pressure Points"

How I Wish You Could See the Potential

See the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read, just yet.

Those words mean so much more than mere words on a page.
I see the potential, I feel what's happening.
But it's easy for me, I'm ready.
You're not. That's okay.
When the time is right, you'll understand too.
God's got it all worked out- His elegantly bound book.
It's not for our eyes to see...just yet.

I have never been a patient person, but I am growing.
I can wait, I've been waiting for over a year now!
I can't do the back and forth, wondering what's going to happen the next day, or the day after, or the day after that...
That- I can not do.
How do I end up in this situation over and over again?
I can get any creeper off the street to fall in love with me in three days.
Believe me, I've got proof!
But I can't seem to hold onto the one's I want.
They can play the "it's not you it's me" card all they want...I don't believe you.
"I'm not ready for a relationship"
I can't tell you how many times I've heard those words.
Is it a cop out?
I don't know...it works on me though.

This is how I get hurt.
I am more concerned about everyone else's feelings.
I don't worry about my own.
I figure- I've had enough pain in my life that I'm used to it- I don't want anyone else to feel that.
So I take it all upon myself, to ensure that those around me are happy.
Someday, someone will fight for me.
Someday, someone will protect me.
Someday, someone will guard my heart.

I wish someday would be today.
I'm praying, seeking, reading.
All that's left to do is listen.

The Lightning Strike

I think it's happening.
I'm beginning to understand.

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, for the first time in a very very long time.
I'm with good people, leading good things, making good decisions.
I was going to say "right people...right things...right decisions."
I don't necessarily know if they are right, but they are definitely good.

He has lead me here for a reason.
I'm getting it.
I love my community: residential and spiritual
I am happy, finally!

However, I need to do more.
God time. Studying. Bible reading. Writing. Fellowship.
I won't settle on anything less.
I know what I want, that much is clear.
I have a plan- that will never work out.
That's okay, because His plan it better.
Much better:)