I Don't Have Anything to Hide, I Don't Have Anything. Everything is Not for Certain

God has a plan.
I hope so, because none of mine are working out.

I need more than this.
I'm tired of no one caring,
not "no one" but not the "right" people.
I want my dad to care. I want you to care.
I want to care.

I've been alone for too long.
When I'm with people, I want to be alone.
When I'm alone, I want to be with people.
I'm too much, I'm not enough.

I want to feel close to something again.
I know that has to start with Him.
I know He's there, and I need to come to Him more often.
The closer I am with Him, the closer I can be to all of you.

Why?
Why am I like this all the time lately?
Why do I over analyze everything?
Why do I need others so much?
Why don't I just get over it?
Why do I hang on to the past?
Why?

Sometimes I Feel Like A Fatherless Child

So today my dad didn't even speak or look at me until about 5:30. At which point he said, "Well I guess I have to take you out for your birthday." So we went to dinner, during which he informed me that he wasn't getting me anything and forgot to grab a card but he needs me to get him sandpaper for free from 3M since I work there now.

Thanks Dad. This is so typical you.

I really don't mean to sound childish or selfish or greedy, it's just that this is how my dad treats us and I am so sick of it! It's not that I wanted presents and fancy things, I just want him to act like he cares...that seems like a lot.

All I Wanted Was A LIttle Bit Of Time To Clear My Head

I've been waiting for good news...

I used to be different compared to how I am now. I never realized how much I have changed until I noticed that no one around me was the same person I thought they were.

Why do things have to change? I know it's a part of life and everything changes, sometimes change is good. Other times it brings pain and frustration. Most of the time I hate change, but what I hate more than change is when things don't change. When people don't grow or learn or stay stuck in their tired ways- that's worse than changing. Change scares me, but it's good.

My friends have changed, or at least I thought they were my friends. There are a few who I would no longer call my friends. I have new friends too. What I don't have is a community. I don't have that connection with a few close friends that I can always fall back on to listen to my problems and listen to theirs in return. I used to have that but I don't know where it went...away, like everyone, to college?

Major Points:
I need people.
I need Him.
I need a friend.
I want you.
I want to talk.
I want to listen.

Disclaimer

This blog has been entitled NONSENSICAL because I plan to spill out all the things that i usually keep locked in my head and it won't always make sense to anyone other than me. I have worked hard for the past few years to develop a filter to weed out the junk before I open my mouth to speak- be prepared because I don't plan on using that filter here. I want this to be my safe place to express my deepest thoughts. I also want this to be a discussion at any time with anyone.

I am a very open person, please do not hesitate to come to me with questions, concerns, problems, etc. whether they are about me or you or anyone. You can contact me via facebook or leave a comment here. Otherwise, I would love to talk to you in person/phone/text. Please. I'm here.

Always.