Random Thoughts Floating in my Head

1. I don't like this site and will be switching to Wordpress for the New Year.
2. I made 3 pros and cons lists earlier this week...which is very unlike me, it's usually a more emotional and inward process than the public and analytical one of above. (Yet I am currently writing in a list format...hahaha)
a. no one won on paper.
b. emotionally, someone won...BUT outward factors are limiting the potential of the situation
3. My best friend is moving home this weekend, I'm very excited about this!
a. ELF
b. seeing her face
c. sleepovers
d. (a secret that I can't tell all of you...just for best friends, duh)
4. There are too many circles in my life, and none of them overlap enough.
5. I'm excited to be busy again next semester, I lacked a great deal of structure this semester but that's all going to change.
a. London, Paris...no big deal
6. I'm going to Colorado for Christmas and can't wait for the quality time with my family, it's going to be simply amazing.
7. I have a lot to be praying for lately, but it just hasn't happened...I'm not feeling very connected recently.
a. Mom
b. David
c. Joe
d. Levi/Jennifer/Jake
e. patience
8. I can't end on the number 7 because I'm just really weird and have OCD with numbers and other random stuff, but I like the number 8 so this is okay.

Blah...

I have changed a lot in the last month...but I think I'm still the same.
Ha...because that makes sense!
Sometimes I feel like two people: the person I really am and the person I try/want to be.

Sorry I haven't written much in a while but the words haven't been coming lately and I don't want to force it...which is why I'm done talking. NOW;)

Here's the Deal

If you know me at all, you probably know that I'm very much a "go getter", a leader, someone who's not afraid to put themselves out there and hope for the best. I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see most of the time. This leaves me very vulnerable, I'm usually completely alright with this. I'm not afraid to get hurt, it has happened so many times in the past I have come to accept it as something unavoidable.

But right now...

I'm scared to tell you how I feel. (It's pretty darn obvious and 'you' have probably already figured out who you are...but I don't know.)
For once, I'm scared...scared to:
leap
jump
fall.

I feel like this means something-
Am I afraid because this could be the real deal?
Am I nervous because our friendship could be at stake?
Am I worried that you'll not return the same affections?

Yes.

Well, here goes nothing...

Loss

I don't want to lose you.

I think I'm too late.

But I hope I'm not.

I realize what (who) I let pass me by, forgive me?

I'm sorry.

Please, tell me I'm not too late.

More than Once

I was in love once.
It was beautiful.
We were inseparable.
Some stuff happened, and we grew apart.

I was made of sunshine once.
Smiles and giggles all the time.
Nothing could bring me down.
Some stuff happened, and I grew up.

I want to feel that way more than once.
I want to be in love again.
I want to be made of sunshine again.
But only once more, the next one will be the last one.
THE one.
Some stuff will happen, and we will grow old.
Together.

I won't settle. But I'm impatient.

Change of Heart

Alright, I'm giving in.
As much as I resist change most of the time, I'm going to embrace some changes now.
I have decided to change my major. I haven't enjoyed a single class I've taken for my current area of study (biology), but I have loved some of my other courses so I know it's possible to enjoy college classes. As of next semester, I will be beginning classes for a degree in history eduction with special endorsements in psychology and American government.

Other changes, I may have made a mistake and I realize that now.
I don't know how you feel anymore, but I understand if your feelings have changed.
I overlooked you for too long, I know that now.
I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

Decisions, Decisions

So here's the deal:
I don't know anymore.
I have always been so decisive and sure of everything. I thought I had it all planned out, I was going to get my BA in biology, then MAT in education, go into the Peace Corps, come home and get married and settled in my career, have about 5 kids and call it good. This has been a struggle for me this year and I don't know why. Maybe it's God's way of saying, "I'm in control, not you." Thanks, God. But it's been weighing on my heart a lot lately and I need some clarity.

Things I'm unsure about:
My major- I don't like (maybe even hate) my science classes this semester...but what else would I do?
My church- ELCA? yeah....that's all. (really, I'm just that confused)
My relationships- I feel alone, all the time. My best friend is gone, the others have their own relationships...and we are all so busy with classes/work/other things we're losing touch.

Things I think I'm sure about:
I want to stay at ISU.
I want to be a teacher.
I want a family.

Stay tuned next time for "Pressure Points"

How I Wish You Could See the Potential

See the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound,
but in a language that you can't read, just yet.

Those words mean so much more than mere words on a page.
I see the potential, I feel what's happening.
But it's easy for me, I'm ready.
You're not. That's okay.
When the time is right, you'll understand too.
God's got it all worked out- His elegantly bound book.
It's not for our eyes to see...just yet.

I have never been a patient person, but I am growing.
I can wait, I've been waiting for over a year now!
I can't do the back and forth, wondering what's going to happen the next day, or the day after, or the day after that...
That- I can not do.
How do I end up in this situation over and over again?
I can get any creeper off the street to fall in love with me in three days.
Believe me, I've got proof!
But I can't seem to hold onto the one's I want.
They can play the "it's not you it's me" card all they want...I don't believe you.
"I'm not ready for a relationship"
I can't tell you how many times I've heard those words.
Is it a cop out?
I don't know...it works on me though.

This is how I get hurt.
I am more concerned about everyone else's feelings.
I don't worry about my own.
I figure- I've had enough pain in my life that I'm used to it- I don't want anyone else to feel that.
So I take it all upon myself, to ensure that those around me are happy.
Someday, someone will fight for me.
Someday, someone will protect me.
Someday, someone will guard my heart.

I wish someday would be today.
I'm praying, seeking, reading.
All that's left to do is listen.

The Lightning Strike

I think it's happening.
I'm beginning to understand.

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, for the first time in a very very long time.
I'm with good people, leading good things, making good decisions.
I was going to say "right people...right things...right decisions."
I don't necessarily know if they are right, but they are definitely good.

He has lead me here for a reason.
I'm getting it.
I love my community: residential and spiritual
I am happy, finally!

However, I need to do more.
God time. Studying. Bible reading. Writing. Fellowship.
I won't settle on anything less.
I know what I want, that much is clear.
I have a plan- that will never work out.
That's okay, because His plan it better.
Much better:)

That's Not My Name

In training we talked about all the vulgar and inappropriate names people call each other and that they're unacceptable. And I thought to myself, "those are terrible and disgusting." But then I thought, "there are some names that people call me that are quite mild and common but annoy me as much as being call some of those vulgar terms." So here's my list, concider yourself warned.

Don't call me:
Red
Hannah Banana
Hannah Montana
Popet
Carrot top
Fire
thatonenastynicknameforredheads (firecrotch)

My family and only my family may call me:
Hanny
Hanoi
Hurricane Hannah
Na Na
Nanners
Mable
Pumpkinhead

My friends, and only my friends may call me:
Hona
Ginger
HJ
ZJ* (just Keaton)

Only that one guy can call me:
Hannah Bear

That's not my name...

My name is Hannah.
Use it.

God's Plan

I would absolutely love if God would just email me all the answers.
I don't even need all of them, just a couple would be nice.
I'm not sure about a few things right now.

This is what I know:
I'm in the right place
I'm with the right people

This is what I feeled called to do:
Get married
Be a mother (someday)
Teach
Care for those you can't
Lead

If you haven't noticed, the things I feel sure about are very vague...
I need Him to let me in on the details.
Need is probably the wrong word, desire is more like it.

Sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but the last couple weeks have been a crazy whirlwind with moving and training and work. It's been exhausting but very worth the effort.

Clear as Mud

Alright, well as many of you read a different meaning into my last post than I intended, I think it only right to make a few point more clear:

First and foremost-that was the happiest blog I have written yet.
The song lyrics that comprise the first two paragraphs are all about getting over things in the past so that you can enjoy and live in the here and now.
'there is no point in living in the past with that unhappiness' does not mean "there is no point in living because I'm unhappy"
Rather it means "there is no point in living in the past" (because it was unhappy).

Basically, I was using the wise words of The Starting Line to explain that I have been holding onto things in the past that were painful and it has held me back from fulling living in the present.
But I won't make that mistake again.
And I am very glad to report that lately I have been glowing with happiness I haven't felt in quite some time!

I'm loving life and all those around me :)

Please comment with anymore questions/concerns.

Cut! Print It

So I guess I'll cut my losses cuz I lost a lot
I guess I'll quit complaining and I'll starting walking it off
Because there is no point in living in a past with that unhappiness
Consider it a promise we both broke
Consider it mistakes on both our parts

Cause this is closure once and for all
Oh, this has to stop right now
Cause I've been running for my life
And you could never catch me now


I'm feeling stronger than I have in a long time
I'm more motivated and determined than ever
And I won't settle for less than I deserve.
Thanks old friend- TSL ;)

Moving On

I have shed my last tear for you.
I promise. Goodbye.

I'm ready to...
move on
be a part of something bigger
try new things
get back to living
get back to loving
get back to being me

I have missed 'me'
But I think I'm back
and nothing is going to knock me down like that again.
I won't let it.

I Don't Have Anything to Hide, I Don't Have Anything. Everything is Not for Certain

God has a plan.
I hope so, because none of mine are working out.

I need more than this.
I'm tired of no one caring,
not "no one" but not the "right" people.
I want my dad to care. I want you to care.
I want to care.

I've been alone for too long.
When I'm with people, I want to be alone.
When I'm alone, I want to be with people.
I'm too much, I'm not enough.

I want to feel close to something again.
I know that has to start with Him.
I know He's there, and I need to come to Him more often.
The closer I am with Him, the closer I can be to all of you.

Why?
Why am I like this all the time lately?
Why do I over analyze everything?
Why do I need others so much?
Why don't I just get over it?
Why do I hang on to the past?
Why?

Sometimes I Feel Like A Fatherless Child

So today my dad didn't even speak or look at me until about 5:30. At which point he said, "Well I guess I have to take you out for your birthday." So we went to dinner, during which he informed me that he wasn't getting me anything and forgot to grab a card but he needs me to get him sandpaper for free from 3M since I work there now.

Thanks Dad. This is so typical you.

I really don't mean to sound childish or selfish or greedy, it's just that this is how my dad treats us and I am so sick of it! It's not that I wanted presents and fancy things, I just want him to act like he cares...that seems like a lot.

All I Wanted Was A LIttle Bit Of Time To Clear My Head

I've been waiting for good news...

I used to be different compared to how I am now. I never realized how much I have changed until I noticed that no one around me was the same person I thought they were.

Why do things have to change? I know it's a part of life and everything changes, sometimes change is good. Other times it brings pain and frustration. Most of the time I hate change, but what I hate more than change is when things don't change. When people don't grow or learn or stay stuck in their tired ways- that's worse than changing. Change scares me, but it's good.

My friends have changed, or at least I thought they were my friends. There are a few who I would no longer call my friends. I have new friends too. What I don't have is a community. I don't have that connection with a few close friends that I can always fall back on to listen to my problems and listen to theirs in return. I used to have that but I don't know where it went...away, like everyone, to college?

Major Points:
I need people.
I need Him.
I need a friend.
I want you.
I want to talk.
I want to listen.

Disclaimer

This blog has been entitled NONSENSICAL because I plan to spill out all the things that i usually keep locked in my head and it won't always make sense to anyone other than me. I have worked hard for the past few years to develop a filter to weed out the junk before I open my mouth to speak- be prepared because I don't plan on using that filter here. I want this to be my safe place to express my deepest thoughts. I also want this to be a discussion at any time with anyone.

I am a very open person, please do not hesitate to come to me with questions, concerns, problems, etc. whether they are about me or you or anyone. You can contact me via facebook or leave a comment here. Otherwise, I would love to talk to you in person/phone/text. Please. I'm here.

Always.