Random Thoughts Floating in my Head

1. I don't like this site and will be switching to Wordpress for the New Year.
2. I made 3 pros and cons lists earlier this week...which is very unlike me, it's usually a more emotional and inward process than the public and analytical one of above. (Yet I am currently writing in a list format...hahaha)
a. no one won on paper.
b. emotionally, someone won...BUT outward factors are limiting the potential of the situation
3. My best friend is moving home this weekend, I'm very excited about this!
a. ELF
b. seeing her face
c. sleepovers
d. (a secret that I can't tell all of you...just for best friends, duh)
4. There are too many circles in my life, and none of them overlap enough.
5. I'm excited to be busy again next semester, I lacked a great deal of structure this semester but that's all going to change.
a. London, Paris...no big deal
6. I'm going to Colorado for Christmas and can't wait for the quality time with my family, it's going to be simply amazing.
7. I have a lot to be praying for lately, but it just hasn't happened...I'm not feeling very connected recently.
a. Mom
b. David
c. Joe
d. Levi/Jennifer/Jake
e. patience
8. I can't end on the number 7 because I'm just really weird and have OCD with numbers and other random stuff, but I like the number 8 so this is okay.

Blah...

I have changed a lot in the last month...but I think I'm still the same.
Ha...because that makes sense!
Sometimes I feel like two people: the person I really am and the person I try/want to be.

Sorry I haven't written much in a while but the words haven't been coming lately and I don't want to force it...which is why I'm done talking. NOW;)

Here's the Deal

If you know me at all, you probably know that I'm very much a "go getter", a leader, someone who's not afraid to put themselves out there and hope for the best. I wear my heart on my sleeve for all to see most of the time. This leaves me very vulnerable, I'm usually completely alright with this. I'm not afraid to get hurt, it has happened so many times in the past I have come to accept it as something unavoidable.

But right now...

I'm scared to tell you how I feel. (It's pretty darn obvious and 'you' have probably already figured out who you are...but I don't know.)
For once, I'm scared...scared to:
leap
jump
fall.

I feel like this means something-
Am I afraid because this could be the real deal?
Am I nervous because our friendship could be at stake?
Am I worried that you'll not return the same affections?

Yes.

Well, here goes nothing...

Loss

I don't want to lose you.

I think I'm too late.

But I hope I'm not.

I realize what (who) I let pass me by, forgive me?

I'm sorry.

Please, tell me I'm not too late.

More than Once

I was in love once.
It was beautiful.
We were inseparable.
Some stuff happened, and we grew apart.

I was made of sunshine once.
Smiles and giggles all the time.
Nothing could bring me down.
Some stuff happened, and I grew up.

I want to feel that way more than once.
I want to be in love again.
I want to be made of sunshine again.
But only once more, the next one will be the last one.
THE one.
Some stuff will happen, and we will grow old.
Together.

I won't settle. But I'm impatient.

Change of Heart

Alright, I'm giving in.
As much as I resist change most of the time, I'm going to embrace some changes now.
I have decided to change my major. I haven't enjoyed a single class I've taken for my current area of study (biology), but I have loved some of my other courses so I know it's possible to enjoy college classes. As of next semester, I will be beginning classes for a degree in history eduction with special endorsements in psychology and American government.

Other changes, I may have made a mistake and I realize that now.
I don't know how you feel anymore, but I understand if your feelings have changed.
I overlooked you for too long, I know that now.
I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive me.

Decisions, Decisions

So here's the deal:
I don't know anymore.
I have always been so decisive and sure of everything. I thought I had it all planned out, I was going to get my BA in biology, then MAT in education, go into the Peace Corps, come home and get married and settled in my career, have about 5 kids and call it good. This has been a struggle for me this year and I don't know why. Maybe it's God's way of saying, "I'm in control, not you." Thanks, God. But it's been weighing on my heart a lot lately and I need some clarity.

Things I'm unsure about:
My major- I don't like (maybe even hate) my science classes this semester...but what else would I do?
My church- ELCA? yeah....that's all. (really, I'm just that confused)
My relationships- I feel alone, all the time. My best friend is gone, the others have their own relationships...and we are all so busy with classes/work/other things we're losing touch.

Things I think I'm sure about:
I want to stay at ISU.
I want to be a teacher.
I want a family.

Stay tuned next time for "Pressure Points"